Hey dudes and dudettes, it’s the Ninja Turtles! You remember, the bodacious sewer-dwelling pizza-loving heroes of your childhood! We thought it would be totally radical to catch up with them and see what they’re up to these days!
Now, this may come as a shell shock, but some of your favorite heroes in a half-shell and their friends have changed over the years and, like many Gen Xers, been seduced by the far-right. It’s heinous, bogus, and totally un-tubular, but hey, that’s the world we live in.
We caught up with every character from the 1987 “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” cartoon to see how tight of a grip right-wing propaganda has taken on their slowly sundowning minds.
32. April O’Neil
April is an ethical journalist with a lot of integrity dedicated to telling the truth. She is currently unemployed.
31. Splinter
Splinter is old, wise, and a master of both ninjitsu and the mystic arts. He knows huckstery snake oil pitches and thinly veiled fascism when he sees it.
30. Bugman
After an experiment gone wrong, Brick Bradley becomes the super-strong Bugman anytime he gets angry. You would think being a rage monster would make him a natural Peterson acolyte, but the man has a lot of insect DNA, and Insects tend to form matriarchal societies, which Dr. Peterson considers unnatural. Hey, wait a minute…
29. Neutrinos
These guys are from Dimension X where they lived under the tyranny of Crang the warlord for years. They’ve seen conservative thought leader’s endgame first hand and they have no interest in seeing it again.
28. The Punk Frogs
A lot of frogs are trans, especially frogs who adhere to a punk ethos. The Punk Frogs won’t even watch the Harry Potter movies anymore let alone Fox News.
27. Leonardo
Leo is the leader of the Ninja Turtles, a morally driven idealist not easily swayed by the fear-based rhetoric of neo-cons. He wields dual katanas into battle but somehow manages not to kill anyone, which requires a strong sense of control and mindfulness. That’s not to say he doesn’t have his weak points. He did study the art of the pick-up under Sensei Mystery, and he had a really embarrassing fedora phase.
26. Carter
Carter is not easily influenced by anyone. He rides a motorcycle and plays by his own rules. When your name is Carter, you kinda gotta be like that.
25. Kerma
As an ambassador to the planet Shell-Ri-La, Kerma has received mounting criticism over the years for attempting to bring his peace-loving (cough cough SOCIALIST) ways here to earth.
24. Irma
Photos of Irma from the time she became 50 feet tall and wreaked havoc on the city are often pointed to by Ben Shapiro, who claims “This is the future liberals want!”
23. Usagi Yojimbo
This samurai rabbit is all about honor, and would never align himself with an impeached president.
22. Lotus Blossom
Once a replacement for Shredder, Lotus renounced her evil ways and became an ally of the Turtles. As a mercenary, however, she is a 2nd Amendment hard-liner, and was pulled into the murky trenches of the far-right on that one issue alone. In 2019 she employed Dana Loesch to attack her once a week, just to keep her edge up.
21. Metalhead
Due to the fact that he contains the consciousness of all four Turtles at once, Metalhead suffers from a variety of mental illnesses and is prone to dissociative episodes, making him Fox News’ prime demographic.
20. Slash
Slash is not too bright and comes from an abusive household. Bebop and Rocksteady mutated him into being just to do their chores. He’s the exact sort of disenfranchised lost soul the far-right loves to prey upon.
19. Raphael
Raphael is cool, but rude. He’s a contrarian by nature, a rebel without a cause who challenges authority in all of its forms, the kind of guy who is quick to point out “the wokes are just as crazy as the MAGA crowd” and thinks the left just doesn’t understand Rogan.
18. REX-1
He’s a cop first and a cool robot second. ACAB, yes, including REX-1.
17. Krang
Take a closer look, he’s Steve Bannon. You see it now, right?
16. Big Louie
You know how in the movies Mobsters are always watching Anderson Cooper on TV? No? Exactly.
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