NEW YORK — Local man Roland Peachneck was reportedly shocked and disappointed that his “loser” roommates had nothing better to do on a Saturday night than hang around in the apartment they share, according to neighbors and recipients of frustrated texts.
“You’re telling me these guys couldn’t find anything better to do on a Saturday night in the greatest city in the world than sitting at home playing video games,” Peachneck said while microwaving a bowl of ramen to eat by himself in his room. “It’s pathetic. At least I had plans that fell through. Well, they didn’t really fall through as much as I never heard back from any of the Tinder matches I asked out. It’s more sad than anything. These guys probably look up to me. I just wish they’d take a cue from me and get out of the house once in a while. I haven’t been able to watch SNL in the common room in like three weeks.”
Peachneck’s roommates weighed in on their mischaracterization as social pariahs.
“I’m not sure what the guy’s deal is,” said Lee Harrison, a successful Twitch streamer with no regular Monday-through-Friday work schedule. “Every time he goes to the kitchen for Sour Patch Kids he pauses to shake his head and say, ‘You guys are some real party animals.’ I overheard one of his nightly FaceTimes with his mom where he was complaining that his roommates ‘have no life,’ but I don’t think I’ve ever been home alone here. He is for sure the reason why my fiance won’t come over when she’s in town for one of her modeling gigs.”
Social psychiatrist Sydney Copeland has spent years researching this behavior in humans and animals.
“Familiarity breeds contempt, at home and in the wild,” Copeland said. “We are always the heroes of our own story, and often we don’t realize how big of losers we all actually are. If the primate world has taught me anything, it’s that no one is immune to main character syndrome, even if all you’re doing is flinging feces. I advise everyone to go take a good long look in the mirror before passing judgment, then go find yourself a hobby that gets you out of the house for once in your sad life.”
At press time, Peachneck had surprised his roommates by heading for the front door, only to return immediately with his GrubHub order.