LOS ANGELES — Dozens of victims came forward this past weekend with completely nonsexual harassment accusations against iconic singer Morrissey.
Nikita Whelms, a stagehand at Riot Fest in 2016, was the first in the still-growing line of men and women to come forward.
Dozens of former staff, baristas, hair stylists, and customer service representatives have since come forward with similar accusations. Leslie Burnham, a bartender in Los Angeles, recounted a particularly gruesome encounter with the aging pop icon lacking any sexual undertones.
“He came into the bar once — literally nose in the air — and asked me about the bacon smell. When I told him we sell burgers, he said, ‘Only a mentally deficient monster of absolutely no moral fiber or substance would work here,’” said Burnham at a press conference, surrounded by family and loved ones. “He left without once looking at me. At least when some jerk says, ‘You got a nice ass,’ an acknowledgment of your existence is involved. Morrissey treated me as if I was less than human.”
Some underage victims have even come forward — the youngest being a 12-year-old boy.
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“I was selling candy to raise money so our school could hire an art teacher when I met Mr. Morrissey,” recounted the student. “He told me I was as ‘sickly and arrogant as Kate Middleton,’ and slammed the door in my face. He wouldn’t even tell me what a Kate Middleton is.”
Morrissey has since released a statement through his management.
“I cannot help that these people are nothing more than a subspecies of humans. They carry themselves so blissfully unaware of the pain and suffering under the golden arches,” read part of the 40-page statement. “I am envious of their ignorance. I wish I could live so completely devoid of critical thought.”