Ready to Feel Old? You’ve Been Dead for 30 Years

Ready to Feel Old? You've Been Dead for 30 Years

These days it seems like we’re all starting to feel a little creaky in the knees. Remember when the kid from the Nevermind cover bought his first legal drink? Or when Space Jam turned 20? It’s enough to make you want to just kick back and let the social security checks start rolling in.

But brace yourself, because this latest little milestone is sure to be the most devastating one yet. Remember that horrible car crash you were in? That was 30 years ago! Also you didn’t survive the crash. Yep, you’ve been dead for 30 years!

Man, 30 years. It’s like you can’t even wrap your mind around it right? Spirit, I implore you, it is crucial that you wrap your mind around this.

30 years ago this very night you were coming home from the bar, cigarette burning between your fingers in hopes that the heat would help keep you awake. Swerving down ole break neck road, blaring “Joshua Tree” by U2. I’m sure it feels like almost yesterday! But it wasn’t yesterday. It was 30 years ago and you have lacked corporeal form ever since.

Only ’80s kids will remember reading about the gruesome details in the following day’s newspaper. The speculations over whether it was a deer that caused you to swerve into that tree, the mysterious circumstances of your decapitated head being found nearly 100 yards from the scene of the crash, the rumors about your accident being a suicide because you had just broken up with your significant other. The whispers around town that your emotionally distant rich parents covered it up because your dad was running for public office. It’s crazy to think about how your death is now old enough to rent a car!

Related: 9 Ways Glenn Danzig Could Kill You Before You Even Knew What Happened

Boy where does the time go. huh? One minute you’re driving home drunk and the next thing you know you’ve spent 30 years as an increasingly malignant entity terrorizing the home of an innocent family just because their house happened to be across from the tree where you met your grizzly demise.

Sure, it’s depressing to dwell on the inevitable march of time, but hey, it is what it is. There’s nothing you can do about it except maybe reconcile the fact that you are nothing more than the long forgotten shadow of a human being and finally walk into the light. I mean it’s that or wait for the family you’ve been haunting to hire paranormal experts out of desperation and wind up getting sent to the dark place. You don’t want that do you?

It’s time to face reality. You’re not getting any younger, or older for that matter. You’re dead. Stop pretending you’re a real live human being and just move on OK?

Article by Dan Rice @DanRiceComedy


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