SAN FRANCISCO — The author of an upcoming biography of Elon Musk found evidence suggesting his obsession with the letter X is due to it being the name of his cherished sled from childhood, according to stunned advance readers.
“My research found that as a child, Elon’s favorite possession was a particular plastic sled which was branded with a large, stylized X graphic,” said author Samuel Fisch. “It was a gift from his emerald mine-owning father, Errol. Of course, there was no snow in South Africa, so his father would have truckloads of it brought in for special occasions. Little Elon delighted in zooming down the slopes—that is, until the day his father snatched the sled from him and gave it to the child of a woman he was trying to bed. Musk was heartbroken, and the rest is history.”
The billionaire CEO of SpaceX and X denied the claim, going so far as to accuse the author of defamation.
“The allegation that my affinity for the letter X is somehow tied to a traumatic event involving a favorite sled, which signaled the loss of my childhood innocence and instigated a transformation into a bitter, vindictive, petty narcissist is simply absurd,” said Musk while fidgeting with a snow globe. “Fisch should expect to be served very soon as these sorts of lies shall not stand. I had a perfect childhood and a daddy who loved me very much. I just like the letter X, that’s all. It’s the coolest letter. It’s radical, edgy and extreme. It means all kinds of different things, like multiplication or the number ten.”
Psychologist Amelia Crane says that the sled story sounds plausible, given Musk’s public persona.
“Errol’s rejection of Elon being a catalyst for his transformation into the person he became makes perfect sense,” said Crane while examining a grainy photo of a young Musk and what could be the sled in question. “His behavior as an adult is consistent with someone whose sense of wonder and joy was snatched away at an early age. Everything Musk does seems to scream, ‘Notice me, daddy!’—yet it is in vain, for his father remains distant and detached, instead choosing to spend his time having children with his own stepdaughter.”
At press time, Musk had launched an attack on an unfortunate X user with a name similar to Fisch’s, causing them to receive thousands of death threats from blue check Musk loyalists.