rock bottom Archives

John Adkins • August 6, 2025

Local Dad Matt Fredricksen was recently busted for eating all the Uncrustables at his daughter Kayla’s 5th birthday. Naturally, Matt’s…

Alec Walker • August 7, 2024

Are you someone who thinks your life can't get any worse? Did you hijack a parade float and drive it…

Zach Hudson • July 11, 2022

Life comes at you fast sometimes. One day you’re a middle manager at your dad’s accounting firm with a nice…

Nathan Kamal • October 3, 2021

CHICAGO — Local recovering alcoholic Patrick Tolleridge is now expressing deep remorse for his past jukebox selections since getting sober,…

Camden Brazile • September 14, 2021

This is getting ridiculous. When I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I thought it would be a cool bunch…

Anna Walsh • August 29, 2021

LOS ANGELES — A survey of celebrities in the most elite rehabilitation facilities throughout greater Los Angeles showed 40% of…

Rebecca Acevedo • July 27, 2021

GLEN HEAD, N.Y. — 30-year-old Melissa Crawford made her long awaited debut as the family drunken mess at her cousin’s…

Alec Stein • July 1, 2021

SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — Self-proclaimed author of the next great American novel Frank Trotsky recently came to the terrible realization that…

John Danek • January 1, 2020

BOSTON — Local straight edger Alana Enders’ depression ostensibly reached a new low when she told the bartender at White…

Patrick Coyne • February 7, 2019

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Chronically unemployed man and frequent HPV spreader Danny Feldman is completely unaware that his last three girlfriends…