LA MESA, Calif. — Prolific thrash metal frontman Dave Mustaine started a rival retirement organization after being removed from the American Association of Retired Persons…
I used to set aside fifteen percent of my paycheck for IRAs, savings accounts, and other get-rich-slow schemes. But why am I saving money for…
If you’re anything like me, you’ve got a living nightmare of a job that takes every ounce of your being to make it through the…
HOUSTON — Soon-to-be retired senator Joe Manchin’s suit was hung from the rafters at ExxonMobil’s headquarters during a tearful farewell ceremony, according to alarmingly wealthy…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A decrepit pair of jeans shook themselves fiercely in an attempt to rip themselves free of a local man’s legs as an…
EUREKA, Calif. — A squirrel rapidly burying nuts in the ground in preparation for the winter is now better prepared for retirement than one local…
VANCOUVER, Wash. — Local neo-fascist Greg Pough retired as an active member of the Proud Boys today following a three-second embrace with his father that…
ATHENS, Ga. — A Gibson Flying V with over 20 years of service in the punk scene was smashed just one day before it was…
PHILADELPHIA — Local coreman Alex Gonzalez was struck down by a hail of fists in a brutal crowdkilling incident at last night’s Strangulation show, according…