CHICAGO — Local music aficionado Jeff Riley stands accused today of repeatedly sending unsolicited band recommendations to multiple irritated acquaintances, local authorities report. “This asshole…
MURRAY, Utah — Card-carrying member of both the NRA and Costco’s premium membership Greg Young was forced to leave the bulk-grocery chain this past Wednesday,…
MASPETH, N.Y. — Skull Valley frontman Jeremy Cesiro is worried his underage girlfriend would be put in danger by her returning to high school in…
WASHINGTON — Republicans across the nation are reckoning with a party-wide fissure over whether pineapple is a suitable topping for bootlicking, sending think-tanks everywhere scrambling…
VENICE, Calif. — Suicidal Tendencies frontman Mike Muir horrified visitors at the boardwalk yesterday when he took off his trademark bandana to wipe sweat from…
SEATTLE — City Council members announced plans today to use money diverted from the Seattle Police Department to fund a new highway initiative located in…
PORTLAND, Maine. — Local woman Dani Pineda has desperately hidden her humanity from her live-in boyfriend Aaron Adams by not shitting at all for the…
LONG BEACH, N.Y. — Veteran rocker Joan Jett is reportedly no longer in a committed, monogamous relationship with her longtime partner and genre Rock ‘N’…
AUSTIN, Texas — Gov. Greg Abbott signed a new, statewide law today that would mandate each Texan to do their part to stop the spread…
WARRENVILLE, Ill. — Local sixth grader Billy Luetzen suffered a crushing embarrassment yesterday after writing “Megadeath” instead of “Megadeth” on his math notebook, sources close…
OSPREY, Fla. — The Sarasota Friends School was pleased to announce this week that in addition to maintaining its status as one of the county’s…
SEATTLE — Amy’s Regret, the last known grunge band on the planet, were successfully captured in the wild last week and will be rehabilitated and…
NEW YORK — Huge, anthropomorphic canary and “Sesame Street” cast member Big Bird was arrested late last night for loitering outside of the Love Puppet,…
PEMBROKE, Mass. — Local Dad and Lowe’s sales associate Brian Weckbacher was “giddy as a schoolboy” yesterday after conversing with police officer Ben Henry inside…
DUBLIN, Ireland — My Bloody Valentine guitarist Kevin Shields manually installed a number of superfluous foot pedals to his one-speed bicycle today after a handful…