WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential frontrunner Joe Biden and his staffers were surprised by the results of a recent COVID-19 test that found that he…
PAWNEE, Ind. — The small Indiana town of Pawnee became the epicenter of America’s Coronavirus pandemic last week due to new mayor Ron Swanson’s laissez…
ARLINGTON, Va. — Punk lifers Jessica Greene and Mark Wallace set a new standard for punk baby names when they welcomed their healthy daughter, Mark/Jessica…
TAMPA, Fla. — Local police officer Stan Barton has entered his sixth consecutive hour at Royal Ink Tattoo Studio, brainstorming the best way to cover…
SUGAR LAND, Texas — New homeowner and devoted metalhead Eric Bronson replaced the out-of-date shag carpet in his living room yesterday, installing a fresh layer…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local jokester Jeff Kessler’s impersonation of acclaimed actor Chistopher Walken last night was met with stunned silence, as it was somehow profoundly insensitive…
PHILADELPHIA — Local pop-punk band The Dysentery Garys have left Philadelphia, dejectedly returning to their hometown of Botsford, Conn., in the wake of venue shutdowns…
Being a socialist means I believe in income equality, universal healthcare, and affordable housing, but it sure as fuck doesn’t mean I can’t watch reruns…
TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cop and racist bully Dennis Peters, who once brought a gun to Roosevelt High School in 10th grade, is now employed…
SANTE FE, N.M. — A coworker you loathed with every fiber of your being strutted around your funeral yesterday telling everyone you were “the greatest…
CHICAGO — Local woman Lilly Choi’s depression has devolved to the point that she has stopped looking behind the shower curtain for murderers before going…
ADDISON, Texas — Addison Fellowship Community Church parishioners are lamenting allowing local metal band Cryptic Martyr to use their sanctuary for the band’s new music…
ELMHURST, N.Y. — New York City Sheriff’s deputy Deandra Washington ceremoniously took a knee with the tenants of a local apartment last night before forcing…
LOS ANGELES — Former Misfits vocalist Michale Graves has successfully unseated Glenn Danzig as the band’s most ridiculous vocalist following a recent announcement that he…
LOS ANGELES — Australian commuter Daniel O’Connor spent $17 out of desperation yesterday during a layover at LAX for the worst sandwich he’s reportedly ever…