WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential frontrunner Joe Biden and his staffers were surprised by the results of a recent COVID-19 test that found that he…
LOS ANGELES — Filming resumed on Jeopardy! this week, featuring a modified production that emphasizes social distancing, temporarily cutting the number of contestants down to…
Life is meaningless, our world is in flames, and all hope is futile. But just because I’m dead on the inside does not mean I…
WASHINGTON — The United States government is expected to announce a second relief package soon, one that will reportedly include provisions for the upcoming $70…
WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. — Disgruntled, maskless consumer Rod Shockley was seen outside a local supermarket yesterday asking customers complying with the store’s mandatory mask policy to…
I’m tired of catching shit for not “doing my part” just because I do things differently. Now that the government has given up on fighting…
Hey there! Why don’t you pony up over here while I order up a round of cold ones and tell you exactly why I don’t…
ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans today to “Shut the fuck up for one goddamn second while we’re trying to…
BOISE, Idaho — Local bored woman Mona Trevino has quietly re-followed all of the messy, oversharing friends on Facebook she previously unfollowed after exhausting every…
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — AMC has announced a tentative plan to reopen most of its theaters nationwide long enough to screen the first half of…
CINCINNATI — Over 100 professionally trained clowns tested positive for COVID-19 last week after riding together in the same tiny car during the city’s annual…
MARION, Ill. — Local nurse Ginnie Strathmore assured her friend Katie Nguyen this morning that the hacked-up, DIY haircut she gave herself around 2:45 a.m.…
Our deepest, most sincere apologies to the family and friends of 1918 flu survivor Mortimer Pyle. We recently sat down with Mr. Pyle to discuss…
NEW YORK — Legendary television producer Lorne Michaels conceded last week that it was a mistake to have the highly infectious novel coronavirus host “Saturday…
SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Laid-off sound engineer Logan Green is constantly adjusting the volume levels of his television in order to keep busy while waiting…