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Straight Edge Ouija Board Just Says No

John Graham • October 17, 2019

DANVERS, Mass. — A straight edge Ouija board steadfastly refused to indulge in a midnight seance Saturday night, directly defying…

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Hot 2019 Costumes That Deflect From the Fact That You Are Tekashi Six-Nine

Alex Salcido • October 14, 2019

Figuring out the perfect Halloween costume can sometimes be a headache, especially when you’ve entered protective custody in exchange for…

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STUDY: Punks Having to Steal More and More from Work Just to Earn a Living Wage

Patrick Coyne • October 7, 2019

WILMINGTON, Del. — An alarming new study out of the University of Delaware finds that the average millennial punk has…

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Woman Wearing NASA T-Shirt Has Never Even Been to Space

Matt McClurg • October 3, 2019

HOUSTON — Local woman Claudia Sims was criticized yesterday for wearing a NASA T-shirt, despite the fact that she has…

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Watchdog Group Slams GTA for Glorified Portrayal of Radio Stations

Kyle Erf • October 1, 2019

LOS ANGELES — Longtime music industry activist group Mothers Against Radio Stations (MARS) kicked off a campaign against the Grand…

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Bumfuck, Iowa Centennial Celebration to Honor Founder Arthur Bumfuck

Krissy Howard • September 27, 2019

BUMFUCK, Iowa — The small, central Iowa town of Bumfuck announced plans today to honor its eponymous founder Arthur Bumfuck…

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Mr. Fucking Big Shot Over Here Thinks He’s So Great Because He Can Stop After Four Drinks

Patrick Coyne • September 17, 2019

SAINT PAUL, Minn. — Local man and “Mr. Fucking Big Shot” Dan Paulson was allegedly acting last night “like his…

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Heartbreaking: Rodney Mullen Has Been Trapped Doing the Same Manual for Twelve Years

Tucker Leighty-Phillips • September 14, 2019

Many millennial skateboarders probably remember the freestyle antics of legendary street skateboarder Rodney Mullen, a mainstay in selection screens of…

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Bridesmaid at Punk Wedding Never Going to Wear These Doc Martens Again

Jessica Carreiro • September 10, 2019

SEATTLE — Local bridesmaid Allison Snyder was noticeably annoyed yesterday as she stood through her college roommate’s punk wedding ceremony…

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Health-Conscious Punk Bikes To Drug Dealer’s House

Jordan Breeding • September 7, 2019

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — Health-conscious punk Stacey “Skaggs” Bellamy will no longer drive her rusted-out cargo van to purchase illicit…

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