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My 12 Uncles Ranked by How Likely They Are To Start a Genesis Cover Band

My Mom has a huge extended family – Roman Catholic. She’s one of thirteen siblings and, if you can believe it, the only daughter of the bunch. That’s right, I’ve got twelve uncles, each with their own shimmering and distinct personalities, like the Zodiac signs or the confidants from the Persona video game series. Since I was a young lad, I’ve been begging each and every one of them to start a Genesis cover band, proving once and for all who possesses the mightiest seed. Here’s my current ranking of which of these great men is most likely to enter the hallowed halls of Prog Rock greatness.

12. Uncle Dan

No way in hell that Uncle Dan has even heard of Genesis. The guy was locked up for grand theft auto for like a decade and works as a firefighter in the Cayman Islands now. Does he even like music? I’ve only seen him listen to Atlanta Braves games from the ’70s on the radio. This is a major no – I think that if he saw Phil Collins in the wild, he’d dunk him like a basketball.

11. Uncle Leonard

Uncle Leonard was pushing 80 last time I checked (he’s the first born), and he sure as shit isn’t getting any younger. Not a great look to be covering a band when you’re older than all of the original members. His tinnitus is already a total mess, and I’m pretty sure if he picked up a drumstick his arm would crack in half. Keeping this guy away from any amplifiers is a must.

10. Uncle Stevie

Uncle Stevie is really, really cool. He rides a motorcycle and drinks beer with his shirt off every night. Never got married, never even had a girlfriend, according to my mom – said he never really bought into the whole “listening” thing. I asked him once when I was 16 if he’d ever heard “Selling England” by the Pound and he blew cigarette smoke in my face. He’s not interested.

9. Uncle Mark

Uncle Mark is pretty busy with his King Crimson cover band already – doubt he’d be interested in double dipping.

8. Uncle Matt

Uncle Matt loaned me my first-ever guitar when I was a kid, gave me a bunch of Bad Brains tab books for Christmas once too. As a result of his punk tendencies, I don’t really think he’s ever really listened to a song that’s more than 90 seconds long. I reckon he’d freak the hell out around minute eight of “Cinema Show” if he ever had to play it live. Not a great fit.

7. Uncle Zane

Okay, we’re starting to get somewhere now! Uncle Zane loves Peter Gabriel, he’s got the words “you could have a steam train” tattooed on his ass. Gregarious guy too, would have killer stage banter I’d bet. Maybe I could convince him Gabriel never left the band? He did a ton of coke when he lived in Berlin in the ’80s and tends to forget major details from his wife and kids’ lives.

6. Uncle Patrick

Uncle Patrick has straight up zero musical talent – he is, however, a professional foley artist for the movies, so he does know his way around his bleeps, borps, and noisemakers. Obviously Tony Banks was doing all that experimental electronic stuff on the keyboard during Genesis live shows, but I’m sure any cover band would be thrilled to have a “weird sounds guy” in the crew.

5. Uncle Mike

No, no, I’m not talking about founding member and guitarist Mike Rutherford! This is just my Uncle Mike. He brews his own beer, which is always a huge “get” for any cover band practice.

4. Uncle Billy

Any dude from here on out would be stoked to start his own Genesis cover band. Uncle Billy is a prog nut and had a Foxtrot poster in his first apartment. He’s been playing the drums for like forty years and is about to retire from his job doing customer service for a battery company. The only reason that he isn’t number one is because he legitimately has zero friends.

3. Uncle Kevin

Uncle Kevin told me that he once spent a whole summer in the English countryside in his early 20s, milking cows and translating an old version of the Farmers Almanac from Gaelic. He’s one of those weird Anglophile dudes who only reads books by Welsh poets – Kevin, you’re from Raleigh, brother! No doubt in my mind that this guy would love to play all of “Wind & Wuthering” in his buddy’s two-car garage.

2. Uncle Keith

Aw, man, Uncle Keith. This guy rips! He’s probably the most talented “amateur” pianist that I’ve ever met. Very spiritual dude, sits around all weekend in his gazebo smoking weed from a wizard’s pipe and doing literary analysis on the interconnected universe of the Genesis discography. He even designed his own tabletop role-playing-game loosely based on the events of the band’s history – I rolled Phil as a Cleric with him and his boys last summer. You’re the man, Uncle Keith!

1. Uncle Mike

Yeah, yeah, this time I am talking about founding member and guitarist Mike Rutherford – who’s also my Mom’s third oldest brother. He’s getting a little antsy and wants to play the hits again!