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You Can Have My Weekly Shindigs at Applebee’s When You Pry Them From My Cold Dead BBQ Sauce Stained Hands

Our country is teetering on the brink of oblivion. Governments are looking to dismantle our very way of life and revoke our rights from under our proud noses at every level! Well I got news for Uncle Sam, Rosie The Riveter, and any other government stooge that may be listening: you can have my weekly shindigs at Applebee’s when you pry them from my cold, dead, BBQ sauce-stained hands.

Let me start off by saying, I love America. I love her amber waves of grain, her purple mountains, and even though I’m iffy on “fruited plains,” it’s 2020 and I can be tolerant. To me, any wife of mine (and I’ve had many) is still a side piece compared to America. But my love for Her would never stop my willingness to overthrow the government or kill every single member of its active military or police force if I felt IN ANY WAY that my rights were being infringed.

Our right to assemble is protected under the Constitution, our most sacred of documents since 1776. And the need to is supported by our most sacred document since, the Applebee’s dinner menu. These inalienable rights to gather with my buds Kliph, Thicket, and SlimJames every Thursday night at the Applebee’s near the nice junkyard for bottomless apps. I’m a red-blooded, thick veined, heart diseased American man and I demand to eat and drink like one. I’ll be goddammed if anyone stands in between me and a bucket of limearitas (not gay cuz it’s Budweiser).

I’m no expert. But in America, you don’t HAVE to be an expert to know what’s going on here. Just look at experts on the news. These doctors, lawyers, and Hollywood elites want us to forfeit our liberty so we can all turn into 5G-snorting metrosexuals. Well I ain’t about to learn how to kiss dudes or whatever masterclass Judd Apatow is peddling this month. Maybe that sounds crass, but I’m a simple man with simple pleasures and one of those pleasures is going out to Applebee’s and singing the “baby back ribs” song at my waiter even though I didn’t order ribs and that song is from a Chili’s commercial.

Are you a sheep? Do you go bah bah? Does your back hair make sweaters? Do you show up in my dreams dressed as a lady? No? Then stop listening to those DemoCRAPS in Washington telling you to stay home. This whole thing has been blown out of proportion and, wait, does Applebee’s deliver? They do? Oh shit, never mind. Stay home people, there’s a fucking plague out there!!!