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Opinion: Show Me Where in the Rulebook It Says a Dog Can’t Be My Only Friend

Alright, I want everyone to just settle down. I realize many of you find this unorthodox, but let’s focus on the facts. Yes, this man here is my friend, yes he is my only friend, and yes, he is a pitbull/lab mix by the name of Roscoe. So what? Show me exactly where in the rulebook it says a dog can’t be my sole friend and confidant in this world.

Go on, look it up. I’ll wait.

I wish I could assume that your dumbstruck silence indicates the matter is settled, but I am still sensing a lot of weariness here. I assure you, I checked, and this is allowed. If I were to have sex with Roscoe or ask him to marry me, you would have something. That would be illegal, and frankly wrong. I would have to concede that your protests were valid if I were romantically involved with this dog in any way, but I’m not. We’re just really good friends.

Need I remind you that I was heavily pressured to utilize the plus-one allowed to me for this work luncheon? I was reminded repeatedly that the plus-one did not need to be a significant other. At one point, I was even asked, “don’t you have a single friend who wants a free steak?” It’s not my fault that no one asked any follow-up questions when I said “Well, there is my buddy
Roscoe.” And I think you’ll find that my friend here enjoys a free steak as much as any human.

Okay okay, I can see it in your eyes. “How can a dog be your only friend?” you want to ask. “A dog can’t even talk!” Well, I’ve had a lot of friends who could talk over the years, and they all wound up either boring me or lying to me. Not Roscoe though, never a false note out of this guy. He’s loyal, his zoomies are top-notch entertainment, and if he needs something from me like treats or belly rubs he lets me know it. Roscoe doesn’t play games.

Speaking of games, don’t even try to tell me Roscoe can’t participate in the company basketball game after this because I’ve got news for you.