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Opinion: Any Section Is a Nosebleed Section if You Do Enough Blow

I’ve been hearing a lot of complaining about Ticketmaster and how they have a stronghold on the ticketing industry, but I’m going to tell you all a little-known secret that will make you feel better about your life! While you’re complaining about overpaying for nosebleed tickets in the form of exorbitant fees at an arena show, I’m here to tell you that any seat in any section at any club can be a nosebleed section if you do enough cocaine!

Here’s another news flash for you: The nosebleed section rules! Think about it, if you’re constantly getting gacked out of your mind, then you don’t really give a fuck where you’re sitting!

You’re going to want to sit back, clench your teeth, and smash your phone in a fit of stimulant-induced rage. Just make sure that you have vaseline and a roll of paper on hand. Trust me, you’re about to have the best fucking concert-going experience of your goddamn life! Well, you’ll be confident at least, but eventually wake up drowning in a sea of regret when you realize you’ve been snorting baby formula the last two days of your bender. But hey, that’s rock and roll, baby!

It doesn’t stop at concerts either, lots of things in life can be the nosebleed section! Traffic court? Nosebleed section. My niece’s dumb ass recital I got guilted into coming to? That shit is way more fun in the nosebleed section. I sat in the nosebleed section through my entire divorce and it fucking rocked!

You want to know where my favorite nosebleed section is though? The carnival. There are so many pretty lights and sounds, and you can win a giant stuffed panda if you can hit the target or even fly off the handle and assault the carnie running the game because he told you you’re “causing a scene, and this is supposed to be a family environment.” But let me tell you, there is no thrill more timeless than losing your stomach for the cotton candy and nachos you ate right after going onto the pirate ship. My last sneezing fit had me spiraling all sorts of fluids across the fairgrounds, and the view, the colors, the disgusted screaming from below… best seat in the house, let me tell you.