You guys are my best friends. We’ve been through a lot together, and nothing is ever going to change that. But if you told the Applebee’s staff that it’s my birthday I’ll lose it on everyone here, including myself and each and every one of you. I’ve done it before, and you know I’ll do it again.
I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but have you ever been sung to when it’s just you and them? What are you supposed to do? Watch them? Don’t watch them? Make eye contact? It’s stressful and it’s embarrassing, and if you put me through that on my special day I swear to god you’ll be wearing that Bahama Mama all over your dumb face. Capiche?
Don’t try to reason with me either, because it’s not happening. Remember when I accidentally tipped that Cold Stone employee and then he sang to me? And remember how I took my tip back and gave that pipsqueak an uppercut to the windpipe before smashing his head into every freezer door in the place? You’re damn right you do.
I’d rather give a naked speech in front of my parents than have some servers sing me “Happy Birthday.” I don’t care how much triple chocolate meltdown cake you offer me, I’m not budging. I’ll triple chocolate meltdown my ass all over this Applebee’s.
Hey, what’s that sound? Is that clapping? And that melody, it’s…no. It can’t be. It’s “happy birthday.” And those servers are making their way towards us.
All of you listen and listen well. I’ll fuck each and every one of you up. I swear to God. I’ve taken on a whole buffet by myself and won. You were there.
I’m ready to go apeshit right here, right now. Don’t think I’m serious? I’m gripping the edge of the table and I just ripped the bolts out from the floor so I can fling it across the room in about thirty seconds.
The servers are coming closer and looking this way. Do you think this is funny? Do you like it when I lose my shit? Well, you’re gonna love it when I carve out your eye with this dull butter knife and dip my mozzarella sticks in the cavity.
Oh, you want some too, guy at the next table? What are you looking at? Ever gone through a plate glass window? Wanna find out? Hopefully, it breaks when you go through it because it really hurts if it doesn’t.
Do not underestimate me. None of you know this, but I used to have a group of friends who took me to Bennigan’s on my birthday. Used to.