Stern Hanson
March 4, 1962 – July 29, 2023
Born in Reno, Nevada, Stern Hanson was amongst the most dedicated members of the Reno scene, much to the scene’s detriment. Kevin Seconds once referred to him as “that weird dude who always uses way too much eye contact.”
A general nuisance, Mr. Hanson served the scene by loudly complaining to venue security whenever he thought people were smoking too close to the entrance. At one show in 1987, he narced out everyone who had blow to the cops because no one would give him a free bump. Mr. Hanson was fond of going to shows and wading to the front of the audience acting like he was looking for a friend of his just to get a better view no matter how many people he got in the way of.
He is survived by, presumably, the friend he was looking for at all of those shows but never found and has currently been added to the FBI’s List of Missing Persons.
Wallace Klenzendorf
July 7, 1992 – August 1, 2023
Born in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Wallace Klenzendorf was born with his arms already crossed judgmentally. He allegedly learned to scowl before he learned to crawl.
Mr. Klenzendorf made his career at a local music store, where he worked as the guy behind the counter who no matter what you tell him you’re there looking for he just scoffs like it’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard. He only ever had one girlfriend, who he maintained his relationship to ended totally mutually. In his spare time, Mr. Klenzendorf enjoyed agreeing with whatever Pitchfork wrote. He died on August 1st from, according to coroners, a cerebral hemorrhage brought about by too hard of an eye roll.
He is survived by his ex-girlfriend, Shana Fels, who claims she straight up dumped his ass after he mansplained to her how her cat was a sellout.
Grimhilde Futz
November 5, 1913 – August 3, 2023
Grimhilde Futz was born in Hamburg, Germany, and was near immediately abandoned by her parents out of sheer terror. She was raised by a coalition of anarchist chimney sweeps who had originally mistaken her for a creepy Victorian doll.
A hollow-faced ghoul of a woman, Ms. Futz’s likeness was often used by goth bands as album artwork. Among the most notable artists to do this include Upside-Down Church People on their album Tinny Sex Wince, which also included an ode to Ms. Futz with the album’s closing track “Thanks For Futz-ing.” In her free time, Ms. Futz also enjoyed being a haunted painting.
She is survived by her skeleton husband, Gerhelm, forty-seven bone children, and an aviary full of eerily silent crows that are always watching you.