COTUIT, Mass. – Local merchandise legend Marky Merch, well known for encouraging people to purchase larger-sized T-shirts because “they will shrink,” had a near-death experience last night when the shirt he was wearing shrunk approximately four sizes over the duration of the show.
“When I first checked out the merch table, I looked at him, and in my head I was like, ‘this guy’s shirt is huge!’ ” said showgoer Brian Kuhn. “I figured he was going to a Wu-Tang karaoke night after this or something.”
Although Marky Merch, 6’2″ and 165 pounds, arrived wearing an XXL shirt, by the time the second band had finished their set he seemed visibly comfortable in a shirt that had no droop to the sleeves and snuggly hugged his torso.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes. At first I thought he must have changed into a more reasonable size, but then I realized he had the same Hawthorne Heights shirt on with the same mustard stain on the side. I was distracted for the rest of the show,” said Kuhn.
Kuhn wasn’t alone. Others marveled at the magical shrinking shirt all night.
“People were coming up to me saying things like ‘How’d you do that?’ and ‘What happened? Did you bring a spare shirt or something?’ but I just simply told them ‘Guys, shirts shrink. I’ve told you a thousand times,’” said Marky, arms crossed smugly standing on a folding chair never taking his eyes off the stage.
Unfortunately, chaos broke out as headliners, Nobody’s Business, took the stage.
“All of a sudden the shirt seemed to wrap him up — almost like an anaconda choking the life out of an alligator,” said show patron Taylor Mendes. “We grabbed Jimmy’s knife and cut him loose before it was too late. When we cut the collar it snapped off with a whip-like cracking sound.”
Marky was not phased by the near-death incident and hopes to get back behind the table soon.
“Listen, I knew what I was getting into when I started in this game, it is a dangerous business and if I die being crushed by a T-shirt at least I went out doing what I believed in: selling shrinking T-shirts while my friends express themselves creatively,” said Merch.
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