PYONGYANG, North Korea — Activist organization Food Not Bombs dropped a 10,000 pound burrito on a strategic military base in North Korea, Defense Department officials confirmed this morning.
The drop marks the first culinary twist in tensions between North Korea and the West.
“We wanted to take out Kim Jong-un’s regime while also feeding the people,” said Food Not Bombs spokesperson Salix Porter. “Citizens within the 10-mile blast radius got a decent amount of rice and beans; within five miles, a delicious guacamole. Satellite photos showed ground zero awash in vegan sour cream.”
The nearly 400 chapters of the organization, dedicated to ending systems of power that create hunger, each did their share to provide some 8 million chopped organic tomatoes in a display of freshness and flavor.
“We’ve been strategizing on North Korea for a while now. Once we reached consensus on a flour tortilla over a corn tortilla, everything fell into place,” said Martin Clayborn, a volunteer coordinator holding one edge of the football-field-size tortilla. “There were some structural cautions, to be sure. Like, we didn’t want that thing where the filling spurts out the back when you take a bite. A severe rice spill into South Korea could have damaged international relations.”
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Clayborn, one of 500 volunteers who worked over 24 hours straight to craft the final stages of the burrito, then pulled on his end of the giant tortilla and held tight while cranes dropped 2,000 pounds of shredded lettuce into the center.
“This sort of burrito advancement is something we take very seriously. Keeping the burrito from getting soggy while remaining flavorful was one of the biggest challenges,” said Clayborn. “We had to buy two tons of refried beans from Mexico — it took over 18 months to get the proper permits for that level of ammunition.”
North Korea sent a stern message to the activist organization following the detonation.
“The Democratic People’s Republic will not be threatened by Western interlopers,” the statement read. “Also, please do not use cilantro rice. It tastes like dish soap.”