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Facebook Announces Plan to Crack Down on Fake Punks

CAVE CREEK, Ariz. — Facebook announced on Thursday a new plan to crack down on the much talked about fake punks who wear t-shirts featuring bands like The Exploited, but can’t even name five songs.

“It has come to our attention that our algorithms work in favor of these posers — or, ‘poseurs,’ as they are sometimes called,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said in a statement posted to his Facebook page. “These fake punks are negatively contributing to social media conversations, both culturally and politically. We have a responsibility to demand our young teens know at least a couple of songs off of Punk’s Not Dead if they are going to rock a t-shirt like that. That is an album every fucking punk should know inside and out.”

The announcement sent shock waves through Desert Ridge Junior High, an upper-middle-class charter school in Cave Creek.

“This school is full of posers,” seventh grader Jeff Folks confirmed from the “freak” table in the school’s cafeteria. “People should be really worried about this ban of fake punks. Just look at Steve over there — his mom bought him that Ramones shirt at Target for Christmas last year. I know because Jimmy [Catalini] made a Facebook post about it.”


Other students are reportedly pleased with the ban. “This will really help us identify the real fans from the fake,” eighth grader Michelle Edmonds said after correctly listing off the first five songs off of Bad Brains. “These days, it can be really easy to be fooled by someone wearing a Black Flag shirt who just ‘likes the design,’ and that is not something we should take lightly.”

Facebook also announced consideration of a ban targeting fake goth and scene kids who don’t know how to properly dye and swoop their hair. “It’s kinda crazy that someone who looks like that wouldn’t know how to pronounce Siouxsie and the Banshees correctly. Ban hammer,” Zuckerberg stated.