SAN FRANCISCO — Fatigued from years of relocating to the country’s most rapidly gentrifying neighborhoods, a local married couple in their late 30s believe they have one last move in them to an up-and-coming neighborhood before finally retiring to the suburbs to start a family.
Coming off an unprecedented two-year tenure in the Mission District neighborhood of San Francisco, eight-time warehouse loft apartment renters Peter and Carrie Ardmore, 38 and 37, announced their next home during a press conference outside of their craft mezcal distillery. “New Orleans, we’re coming for you,” said the couple in a joint statement. “We’ve been training our entire adult lives to live in a once-revered city that has suffered a natural disaster. We’re ready.”
“Age is a concern, but with age comes wisdom,” boasted Mrs. Ardmore, the 2008 and 2011 World Barista Champion. “We can take whatever the so-called Crescent City throws at us. Mold spores in the dry wall? One of my five graduate degrees is in furniture design. Pioneer coffee shops that don’t yet have almond milk? Give me a break, we make our own.”
“Mardi Gras will be tough, but we’ll petition like we’ve never petitioned before and get it shut down,” Mr. Ardmore added. “From what I’ve heard on NPR, it seems like such a loud event, and it goes all night. That simply does not work with our lifestyle.”
Despite their advanced age, sources close to the couple claim they are performing at their peak level of gentrification. “Don’t be fooled by some of the gray hairs in Peter’s beard — this guy has ideas for an urban farm truck,” soon-to-be-former neighbor Frank Marshall told reporters. “It’s unprecedented. These two could gentrify well into their 70s, in my opinion.”
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Mr. Ardmore shuddered when asked where the couple saw themselves after New Orleans. “The New Jersey suburbs are always a threat, and we’ll address that issue when it presents itself,” he said. “But right now we’re focused on getting this vegan, Korean-fusion po’boy pop-up shop operating.”
The Ardmores are due to set foot in the Bayou St. John neighborhood by October 10th. Subscribers to the couple’s Livestream can tune in at 9 a.m. daily for pre-move arguments.