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Bernie Sanders Clinches Man’s Newsfeed

MANASSAS, Va. – Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders enjoyed a much-needed boost to his campaign Monday after he clinched local man Mark Billing’s Facebook news feed.

“Today, I find myself both honored and humbled to win this huge territory. When we first started this campaign the polls had us 30, 40, even 50 points behind Mark’s excellent taste in memes. Today, we celebrate with millions of working-class families in knowing we were able to overcome the odds and capture the entire online presence of this man,” announced Sanders during a press conference.

The early victory comes as a welcome surprise for the Sanders camp, which has faced criticism due to their primary focus of securing Facebook users over actual voters.

“Mark’s news feed has always been a key part of our path to the nomination,” said campaign manager Jeff Weaver. “Have you seen his Timeline? He’s a ‘hustler’ at ‘self-employed!’ That’s exactly the youthful vigor we need here.”

“We’ve run a purely grassroots campaign here,” Sanders later said, taking a break from celebrations. “People said we were crazy, but between the Earth Crisis and Descendents parody shirts, I knew we could get Mark.”

While Sanders has enjoyed a comfortable lead in Billing’s news feed for months now, the campaign was not without its hurdles.

“There was a four-day stretch after Mark’s sister gave birth that had us nervous,” said Sanders. “But Mark’s ‘friends’ soon realized they needed more punk-themed memes about me and not some stupid baby in their friend’s feed.”

Billing believes Sanders’s popularity among his own Facebook friends, a group of people he has carefully curated over the years via ultimatum-ridden statuses, will lead to Sanders securing the Democratic Party nomination. “I’m telling you, he can do this,” said Billing, pointing to the delegate math of Facebook likes. “It seems like all 125 of my Facebook friends support him. First my news feed; next stop, the White House.”


The Sanders campaign is also cautiously optimistic they can soon clinch the news feeds of a number of non-white Facebook users who recently liked a few of Billing’s pro-Bernie updates, a subject Billing mentioned multiple times.

“Feeling the Bern is about sending a message and getting word out,” explained Billing when asked about Sanders’ recent loss in Virginia. “What was the date to register to vote for tomorrow’s revolution again?”

At press time, Billing was secretly screenshotting select moments from Hillary Clinton’s appearance on Broad City “just in case.”