NEWTON, Mass. — At approximately 2:45 p.m. Tuesday, local man Eric Barbier removed his Anal Cunt t-shirt from his dresser and carefully rolled a lint brush over it in preparation for a friend’s surprise birthday party.
The shirt, a white poly-cotton blend depicting a red-colored anus and vulva shaped as an “AxCx” on the front, back, and fully down each sleeve, was purchased at the Anal Cunt merch table in 1999 during the band’s “It Just Gets Worse” tour and has been a staple of Barbier’s collection ever since.
“I’m not an animal. I don’t want to show up to my Barry’s big 30th birthday celebration looking like a slob,” said Barbier, carefully examining each inch of the highly offensive garment for dander. “Had I thought about it, I probably would have adopted a lighter-colored cat, because anytime I wear this, it’s always covered in fur. Professor Macabre is a Maine Coon and his hair gets on everything.”
Sources report the 17-year-old shirt is in remarkably good condition, primarily from Barbier’s diligent laundering. “The trick is to not wash it after every wear,” Barbier admitted. “That’ll fade it and wear out the elastic… and don’t ever put it on a hanger. That stretches the collar. A spritz with the Febreze, a quick once-over with the lint roller, and that’s all she wrote!”
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Barbier’s “once over” is actually a 40-minute ritualistic effort, ensuring the entire blouse is lint and blemish-free. “The ink is starting to crack,” Barbier sighed as he gently furled the sticky paper across a cartoon sphincter, “so I have to be careful not to pull any up. Sometimes I gotta get the duct tape out for the real stubborn pieces of cat hair embedded in the fabric. You can’t be too careful.”
In a follow-up, Barbier announced his plans to wear the shirt again next week on a first date.
“If she isn’t cool with this shirt and Anal Cunt, then it just isn’t meant to be,” Barbier said, heating up a Hot Pocket.