Press "Enter" to skip to content

Ween Fans Can Now Purchase Tickets Directly Through Ankle Bracelets

NEW HOPE, Pa. — Die-hard fans of alt-rock band Ween can now purchase tickets directly through their court-ordered ankle bracelets, thanks to a new service launched by Live Nation earlier this week.

“We found that fans of the experimental, alternative mainstay are impressively diverse. But if there’s one thing they have in common, it’s some type of criminal record,” said Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino. “Since a court-ordered ankle bracelet is easily the most popular wearable among Ween fans — even outselling the Apple Watch — this new feature made perfect sense.”

Law enforcement officials in several states are reportedly allowing Ween fans under house arrest to attend one performance per year, though most are prohibited from crossing state lines.

“Typically these guys — and they are always guys — aren’t dangerous. They’ve all been busted for something stupid, like shoplifting patio furniture from Big Lots, or driving a forklift drunk, or painting self-portraits over works of art in a museum,” said Bucks County probation officer Boyd Klubbe. “Also, I think this got the greenlight because the D.O.J. wants to know when Ween fans are gathered in one place, and none of the pre-approved venues are near any schools.”

For their part, most fans say they look forward to commiserating in real life, instead of the heavily monitored email correspondence to which they’ve grown accustomed.

“Us Ween fans have been decorating our monitors with crude drawings of the Boognish and sharing theories about Mean Ween’s real identity for years,” said longtime fan and current parolee Thomas Allen Swanson. “Now, I can finally put a face to the name of the guy that expertly carved ‘Put the Coke On My Dick’ on his ankle monitor. I heard he even had to carve it with his non-dominant hand, which makes it so much cooler.”

Ankle bracelet users praised the program for its ease of use, buying tickets for upcoming dates in Atlanta, Detroit and Minneapolis.

“The Atlanta presale was the same time as my check-in with my probation officer, and I figured I might lose out on primo seats,” said ex-con Clark Leonard Wilson, back on parole after stealing over 500 pounds of wool from a local farm. “But while she was blathering on about getting my life together, I ‘scratched my ankle’ long enough to secure some front row seats, baby!”

Photo by ReverendLukewarm & Moses.