LOS ANGELES — Brett Wilson, one of millions of uninsured Americans, became concerned that he may not be able to get a duet from a licensed doctor with medical advice now that the House of Representatives voted to ban TikTok earlier today.
“I posted this video asking if anyone’s seen a rash like this 48 hours ago, and I’m not sure how much longer I can wait,” Wilson said while applying a thick layer of ointment to the irritated area on his arms, chest, and back. “I love watching choreographed dances, Ring doorbell footage, and cute dogs as much as the next guy, but it’s DocTok that keeps me coming back. I guess I have about six months before the ban takes effect but I’m not sure if I can wait that long to find out if this is contagious. I’m just going to keep wearing long sleeves for now, but I don’t know how much longer I can do that with it starting to warm up outside. If the government cuts off access before I get a diagnosis, I’m going to have to do this the old-fashioned way and post photos in Facebook groups until I get the help I need.”
Board-certified dermatologist Dr. Victoria Skarke was somewhat relieved at the thought of a ban.
“Look — I’ve got at least 35 TikToks to try to respond to on my lunch break. So many people out there really need to see a doctor, and so many people have absolutely disgusting skin conditions. I want to help as many people as I can, but sometimes, it’s just too much,” said Dr. Skarke. “I’m exhausted from running my own practice and I’m completely overworked. Still, I feel like it’s my responsibility to make sure people aren’t transmitting scabies on the subway just because they don’t have the money to see a doctor.”
Author of the bill, US Representative Mike Gallagher, released a statement attempting to assuage concerns.
“The CCP is getting our teenagers’ data, and brainwashing our citizens,” Gallagher said. “I’ve heard concerns that users often seek medical advice from the app, but we’ve done everything possible to make sure Americans have access to high-quality healthcare, providing anyone who doesn’t get insurance through their employer with an exchange that offers monthly premiums ranging from unaffordable to completely unaffordable. What we really need to be focusing on right now is the fact that the Chinese government wants our children to go to Sephora and use the tester products.”
At press time, Wilson was seen anxiously checking his phone and scratching his torso.