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Trump Proposes “Total and Complete” Ban on Bad Brains in DC

MOUNT PLEASANT, S.C. – Further fueling a Presidential campaign marked by personal attacks and antagonism, Republican frontrunner Donald J. Trump called on Wednesday for Washington to reinstate its ban on Bad Brains.

Saying that “PMA” among the band and its fans is “beyond comprehension,” Mr. Trump said in a statement that Washington needed to confront “where this attitude comes from and why.”

“These people have no respect for artists like Ted Nugent, or Dave Mustaine,” said Mr. Trump. “Until we are able to determine and understand this problem, our country cannot be the victim of mellow, introspective reggae right in the middle of a hardcore album.”

Mr. Trump, who in September declared, “I love the Bad Brains. The Omega Sessions? Big, big fan. Huge,” turned sharply against the group after they reportedly refused to allow him to use ‘Pay To Cum’ as his entrance music at a recent rally.

The extraordinary escalation of rhetoric drew sharp rebukes from both sides of the aisle.

“Trump and others want us to hate all Bad Brains,” said Bernie Sanders via Twitter. “99% of 1% of the top 2.5% of Rock For Light is real good, despite the overproduction.”

“Donald Trump is unhinged,” Jeb Bush tweeted in response to the divisive remarks. “I’ve listened to Rise. It’s tolerable.”

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Legal experts say such a ban would not only be patently unconstitutional, but impossible to enforce, given Washington’s complete lack of borders. A bill would also be unlikely to gain the bipartisan support necessary for passage in either house.

“It certainly would be challenged as unconstitutional,” said Timothy Moser, a professor of law at Jacomette College and a prominent authority on hardcore. “Besides, President Obama has said he would veto any bill to reinstate the ban with the quickness.”

“Everyone knows their first album is fucking untouchable. Everyone.”