WILLIMANTIC, Conn. — Emo revival favorites The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die are reportedly considering a name change, as 2020 has ruthlessly slaughtered the last of their remaining optimism.
“I think it all hit us during our first quarantine livestream when Bello introduced us and let out a heavy sigh halfway through our name,” admitted drummer Steven Buttery. “Sometimes he has to take a breath while saying it because it’s so long, but this time was different — it just felt so disingenuous to even suggest that shit doesn’t suck ass right now. I can’t see my parents despite living just a few streets from them, and I haven’t had Dunkin Donuts in weeks.”
“It’s hard to boldly proclaim you are no longer afraid to die when you douse your hands with a quart of Purell after touching a doorknob,” continued Buttery. “A pizza delivery man got too close to my front door and I stuck him with a cattle prod. Does this sound like a beautiful place to you?”
Keyboardist Katie Dvorak has been brainstorming possible replacement names.
“We don’t want to stray too far from the template. Our current frontrunner is, ‘The World Fucking Sucks but Maybe if We All Start Going to Church Again God Will Fix This,’” explained Dvorak, who is relearning how to play piano with latex gloves. “My first idea was, ‘Just Accept Your Losses Even Now; Ongoing Resistance Ultimately Launches Endless Suffering,’ which we all liked… but then I realized that the acronym would be JAYLENORULES. That just won’t work for us.”
Epitaph Records artist relations coordinator Lara Darrens elaborated on other changes in the TWIABP camp.
“They scrapped all their old merch, and right now are only selling signature prescription bottles of Lexapro,” explained Darrens. “The FDA probably wouldn’t approve, but with all this coronavirus nonsense going on, previously opened and tempered with bottles of antidepressants are low on their list of priorities.”
Not to be outdone by their fellow indie/emo rivals, The Hotelier have allegedly changed their name to The Toilet Paper Hoardier.