LOS ANGELES — Event coordinators have continued to announce and actively promote the lineups for the upcoming 2026 summer music festivals as if society isn’t already going over the cliff and will still be functioning in five months, dozens of performers have confirmed.
“With the way the government is cracking down on dissent and vaccines, the festival grounds will probably be converted to internment camps. All we can do is put on a brave face and announce that Blink-182 and Weezer are going to headline any given three-day event and hope for the best,” said production coordinator Edwin Richards. “Honestly, we’re just announcing lineups to give people something to cling to, that maybe this waking nightmare will pass and everyone will be tripping balls on molly with their friends at Electric Forest in June, if the dollar hasn’t collapsed, that is.”
Regular festival goers even seemed wary about festival season happening.
“Did I already buy weekend passes to Riot Fest and the Warped Tour? Of course. But do I also have this sinking feeling our own military will turn against us and we’ll all be forced into a decades long civil war creating a new diaspora as we sift and scavenge through the ashes of what once were our great cities? Yeah, it’s been in the back of my mind a bit,” said Blake Johnson. “But until then, I’m just stoked to see Atreyu for the first time in like 20 years. And if society falls apart that weekend I’ll at least have my camping gear if I have to live outdoors for the rest of my life.”
Many of the confirmed festival acts felt they had no choice but to push forward.
“As grim as things are looking, we just have to press forward and cross our fingers Trump doesn’t start firing off ballistic missiles at blue cities during our set,” said Neutral Milk Hotel California frontman Dale Leinert. “We’re just getting on any bill we can so we can tour Europe and just not come back, but shit’s been bad for a while now. We’ve had to bail on festivals because of climate change-induced storms, active shooters, and that one MAGA festival that was cancelled for being too close to a school zone.”
As of press time, nearly all festivals have stated that ticket holders would only receive partial refunds should the White House declare all music not sung by Kid Rock illegal.
