DENVER — A recent study conducted by the National Drummers Association (NDA) found that upwards of 100,000 drummers a year are lost in theatrical stage fog.
“Our study confirms what we already suspected,” said lead researcher Jasper Curtins as he zoomed in closely on a concert reel of a drummer helplessly disappearing into the fog after a slight attempt from the guitarist to wave off a puff of the dense artificial cloud failed. “There are in fact hundreds of talented drummers helplessly lost in the mist every single day. Most concertgoers don’t even realize there are drummers sitting back there until the clouds clear and there is a lonely drum kit with nobody to play it. It’s tragic that the numbers are this high, but we figured spreading awareness is a good place to start.”
Local drummer Steve Fry was glad the statistics were finally made public, saying he’s sick and tired of being sucked into a cloud every time a song calls for an edgy vibe.
“Every show I’ll say ‘Hey guys can we let off? Do we need the fucking fog?’ and the show producer gives me some bull about how he needs the stage to look like a steamy subway platform out of a Stephen King novel. I mean Christ, I’m about to change my profession to wind chimes, ” said Fry. “I try to tell them that every time we fire up the fog machine I’m transported to a netherworld of horrors so immense that I can no longer sleep at night, but nobody seems to care. At this point I feel like I’d have an easier career being a fighter pilot navigating a hurricane at 40,000 feet. I’m tired of this shit.”
Mindy Flitz, a member of the Fire Department’s Drummer Safety Team, weighed in with steps drummers can take to avoid becoming a fog casualty.
“Drummers should be wearing goggles on stage. This can help them keep a clear line of sight once they are taken by a fog cloud. If they feel they are too disoriented in the fog to attempt to walk out themselves, then they should remain seated until the end of the show until a parent, or guardian can escort them to higher ground,” said a deadly serious Flitz. “A vacuum is another tool drummers should keep in their arsenal; vacuuming up the fog around their drum set might give them an extra 5-10 seconds of visibility. After this point, drummers should fire off a flare so we can locate them after whatever song the band is playing ends.”
At press time, Fry was seen setting off an aforementioned flare before being enveloped in a dense cloud during his band’s cover of Phil Collins “In The Air Tonight.”