If you’ve ever seen those hyper aggressive right wing shirts in real life, chances are whoever is wearing them only found them because their Facebook algorithm has been feeding them nonstop ads from dropship shirt companies like “SHIRTS 4 PATRIOTS” and crap. But within the endless deluge of obnoxious novelty shirts, there are those elite few that additionally broadcast to the world that their children have had enough of their insanity and went full “no contact.”
It’s bad enough to lose a parent to reactionary political posts, but it’s even worse when they advertise it everywhere they go. Even worse than that is when they wear said advertisements while moving their kid into their new dorm and give off the vibe they’re one of those families where every uncle is the racist uncle. Their kid is likely to spend Thanksgiving at their roommate’s house this year (and every year afterward.)
Nothing like a little threat of violence (and ignorance of what the First Amendment protects) to motivate your progeny to block you on every social media platform. “Why couldn’t I have just bought one of those American flag shirts from Old Navy like a normal dad?” they think as their daughter sends them straight to voicemail for the fifth day in a row. All they can do now is wear their patriotism on their sleeve (and chest and back) and hope to get a “hell yeah” from a passerby at the gas station.
Ah yes, this old chestnut. It’s a great shirt to wear when you want the world to know you’re a self proclaimed sovereign citizen who doesn’t want to pay taxes, but it’s also a dead giveaway the family court judge doesn’t agree that watching Alex Jones videos count towards the homeschool curriculum and the kids permanently live with their grandparents now. At least they can take solace in knowing their kids were actually listening when being taught about emancipation.
Math is hard, especially if the wearer has also spent 1776% more money on guns than say, Christmas presents. Speaking of Christmas, this is probably one of those families who send out the holiday card with everyone posing with an AR-15. And listen you can try and indoctrinate all the kiddos into thinking Democrats are going to round up everyone’s guns, but one kid will always slip through the cracks because they want to be able to go to the grocery store with someone who doesn’t open carry three guns because shit might get dicey in the produce aisle.
All birth month shirts might as well say, “I call the police on kids playing in the street near my house because I was born in February and I hate life and yes I’m on Ivermectin.” This is a walking billboard to warn anyone nearby that their kids had sleepovers at someone else’s house and moved out the day they turned 18. And in all likelihood, this is the same kind of parent who, after buying more short story-length print tees, will rant on Facebook about losing their kids to the woke mind virus.
The official shirt of someone who takes the family to church then goes straight to a restaurant to berate a waitress for 90 minutes straight without leaving a tip. You can only embarrass your kids (and make them pretend they’re young enough to order off the kid’s menu) in public so many times before they get fed up with the whole “Christian warrior” shtick. Satan isn’t working the lunch shift at Applebees, my guy. It won’t be much of an issue for their kid, who moved to a Midwest city big enough to keep any bible-thumping suburbanite parent at a safe distance.