STANFORD, Calif. — Scientists from Stanford University’s Center for Social Climate Research issued a new report claiming that women wearing band shirts may be asked by random men to name as many as eight songs by as early as 2050, much sooner than scientists previously anticipated.
“We don’t want to be alarmists but this is just the tip of the iceberg,” said scientist Paula Carita. “It gets far worse than just naming eight songs. You may be expected to name, at minimum, four albums, two related side projects, and any brand crossovers from the past five years. And our worst predictions say you will have to name at least four members, even if the band is a trio. Which is just not sustainable for human life.”
Following the publication of the Center’s findings, some members of the public have immediately begun preparing for this “new normal.”
“It’s already been so bad out there, I can’t imagine how it can get worse,” said Ilona Annachiara after just being asked by a stranger to name three intergalactic constellations because of her NASA shirt. “But I have to be ready for the worst. Just yesterday, I was wearing a tour t-shirt and random men kept berating me for not having memorized every tour stop on the back. When did it get this bad? It was only a few months ago that they would just flash me and move on with their day.”
Yet others have taken a proactive approach by demanding accountability before it gets too late.
“Men are the ones who are putting us in this mess and it’s men who need to fix it,” said Shaindel Faiza, communications director for Let Women Like Things, a California-based social justice organization. “Not everyone needs to be a totally unfuckable nerd about the music they listen to and men need to respect that before it’s too late. If women want to act like every song they hear is named after the first lyric they can remember, then that is their god given right and we’re going to fight until everyone in this country respects that.”
At press time, scientists revealed that, on the plus side, because of the effects of climate change, there will be less men in general by 2050.