SALINAS, Calif. — Former Van Halen singer Sammy Hagar has discovered a theoretical, second way to rock, following years of “extensive, rockin’ research,” the noted physicist/musician confirmed earlier today.
“In addition to crankin’ up the Les Paul in your face, it would also be possible to rock if each note created were replaced by a one-dimensional string-like object and placed in a singular spacial plane,” said Hagar from his Red Rocker Research Facility. “Anywhere these planes intersect would create a line of rock extending infinitely in both directions, theoretically allowing one to rock ‘n’ roll all night, and another to party every day.”
The insular hard-rock science community was stunned by the discovery.
“This changes everything we currently understand about rock ‘n’ roll physics,” said Eugene Watson, a professor at MIT who also occasionally fills in on bass in his cousin’s band. “If what Dr. Hagar has suggested is true, 99.9 percent of the world around us actually consists of invisible ways to rock. Tapping into those sources could provide a limitless amount of rock to every man, woman and child in the world for all time!”
Despite the promising applications of Hagar’s discovery, the findings have not been fully accepted within the community.
“The ‘Second Way to Rock Theory’ is a liberal-media lie. For decades, musicians relied on tube or solid state amps to rock out,” said Marshall Amplification lead engineer Daniel Choch. “All of a sudden, we’re expected to believe there’s a more sustainable, environmentally friendly way to rock? Nice try, hippies.”
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After countless hours in the lab working on his revised rock theory, one might think Hagar would take some time to relax and enjoy his accolades — but so far, that has not been the case.
“I’m pleased all the hard work from myself and my team has finally paid off,” Hagar said to an assemblage of his peers. “But there’s still more work to be done. Tomorrow, we will return to the lab where, sometime in the next 10 to 15 years, we plan to break the below-55 land speed record.”
Hagar then added, “We fuckin’ love you, Chicago! Good night!” and left in a burst of pyrotechnics.