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So Called DIY Band Bought Premade Instruments

ATLANTA — A bombshell accusation was made against so-called do-it-yourself band Slither In which revealed the band bought premade instruments for which they use to make their music, sources who were not mad but disappointed confirmed.

“I used to respect these guys as an integral part of the DIY scene,” said dejected basement show fan Elle Topher. “They’d come to shows, set up all their own equipment, do their own mic checks, and you’d think ‘Ok, these guys are legit DIY.’ Then they’d take out their instruments. They were perfect. They clearly weren’t crafted from driftwood or stolen lumber from a construction site. What’s the point of even seeing a house show if the drums aren’t made of trash cans? Next they’re going to tell me they bought their clothing premade from a store.”

Members of Slither In were taken by surprise by the negative reception to their store-bought, albeit sell-out, instruments.

“The crowd was going nuts while I was setting up my homemade pedalboard,” explained Slither In lead guitarist and heartless deceiver Jackie Monroe. “The second I bring out my guitar to plug it in, the crowd goes dead silent. They ask me what name is on the guitar, I tell them Gibson. They freak out, screaming ‘is your name Gibson?’ Luckily before a riot started we sent our bassist to put some rubber bands over an empty tissue box and staple it to a yard stick, and that calmed the crowd down a bit. Shit sounded terrible when we covered Red Hot Chilli Peppers.”

The negative reaction to Slither In has made waves across social media, compelling DIY luminaries to weigh in.

“Fake DIY has always been a problem,” explained Peter Squibb of the National DIY Institute, headquartered in his neighbor’s basement. “If a band really wants DIY credibility they need to go out into the woods and Minecraft their instruments from scratch. I don’t want to see a DIY band play unless they’re rocking on crudely hewn instruments that sound like dogshit. I used to be in a band and I absolutely crushed with dried reeds stretched over two sticks.”

At press time Slither In was receiving more criticism for using Eventbrite rather than smearing goat’s blood on people’s doors with the showtime.