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Insecure Straight Edge Guy Leaves Bartender $5 Tip on Glass of Tap Water

SAN FRANCISCO — Lifelong straight edger Timothy Sharp tipped $5 on a glass of tap water last night, thanks to his ignorance of bar etiquette and aversion to looking like a cheapskate, pleased sources confirmed.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do here: it took me 25 minutes to even talk to the bartender because everyone kept cutting in front of me. When I finally asked for a water, she put some ice in there, and I figured I definitely have to pay for that,” said Sharp. “She’s doing the same exact amount of work putting beer in a glass and those people are tipping… at least, I think they are. And if I walked away without leaving a tip, then going back up there later and asking for popcorn would definitely be out of the question. Maybe I should have just left a $20. I wish I could just go home. This place sucks.”

Friends of Sharp admitted they were amused to see their otherwise competent friend struggle.

“He spent the first 10 minutes here walking around looking for a water station, and when he realized he’d have to order at the bar, I could see the panic in his eyes,” said longtime friend Cara Nguyen. “I should have been a better friend and just brought him water when we all got shots, but I like seeing him squirm. I’m going to ask him to go ask for the darts, and see if he hands over his credit card and social security numbers.”

The bartender who accepted the hefty tip claimed this is a common occurrence amongst novice bar patrons.

“When I see someone wearing a Project X shirt trying to order something, I know I can guilt them out of more money by giving them a disapproving look as soon as they meekly say, ‘Just a water, please,’” said bartender Amy Forbes. “I keep seeing him duck into the bathroom with his empty glass for refills from the sink. If it slows down tonight, I might fuck with him and say that’s against our policy, just to see what he does.”

At press time, Sharp was desperately trying to steal his money back after coming to the conclusion he is “technically supporting a drug dealer.”