CLINTON, Mass. — Self-professed food connoisseur Noah Frawley boasts the unusual ability to determine the provenance of microwaved gas station burritos, according to mildly impressed sources.
“After years of eating nothing but cheap burritos, I’ve developed quite a sophisticated palate. For instance, I can tell this particular Tina’s bean and cheese came from the plant in Vernon, California,” said Frawley while rubbing refried beans on his gums. “That factory has a bit of a roach problem, and you can detect a faint hint of a pyrethroid pesticide, which adds a mild floral note. The one I had for breakfast originated at El Moneterey’s Frisco, Texas facility, where they use a certain red lithium industrial grease on their machines that imbues their products with an oaky bouquet. I’ll usually pair that one with a Four Loko Sour Grape.”
Those close to Frawley are concerned with the health effects of his limited diet, including the clerk at his local convenience store.
“I don’t know how that kid’s still standing,” said Cumberland Farms cashier Armand Stietz. “He comes in several times a day and all he gets are burritos and butts. Once I offered him a free orange to help stave off scurvy, but later I saw it in the trash outside. The other day I found him around back, groaning and clutching his stomach. I asked if I should call an ambulance, but he said he’s fine and asked if I could spot him some cash for a burrito. Of course, I’m used to seeing people ruin their lives with our products, but usually it’s with cigarettes, booze, and lottery tickets.”
Gastroenterologist Dr. Simone Chase has stern warnings for anyone whose diet consists solely of heavily processed junk food.
“If Mr. Frawley keeps eating like this he won’t last more than another few years,” said Dr. Chase. “His daily sodium intake alone is enough to bring down an elephant. It reminds me of the case where a young woman found dozens of Lean Cuisine Creamy Pasta Primavera dinners while dumpster-diving, which she subsisted on for weeks. What did that do to her body? Let me just say she’s just now re-learning how to walk. So, Mr. Frawley, if you’re listening: Quit the burritos, stat. Keep smoking if you need to but please, eat some goddamn vegetables.”
At press time, Frawley had been offered a consulting job with José Olé Burritos but refused on grounds of not wanting to “sell out.”