PORT TOWNSEND, Wash. — Local opening band Eyeball Soup thought it was crucial that the audience know their bassist’s name is Steve, confirmed sources who didn’t know what to do with that information.
“As the singer, frontman, and host of the band, I like to make it a point to provide the audience with each member’s name, instrument, and Social Security number so they can get better acquainted with us. Seems to work too because the crowd is always on their phones the entire time we play. I assume they’re just Googling Steve and simply cannot wait until after the set,” said vocalist Derek Fineberg while putting a name tag on the bassist so the crowd wouldn’t forget. “Besides, it would be extremely rude if we played our full 20-minute set without a proper introduction. Sometimes I even pause the show halfway through to ask all six members of the audience for their names. This way, it’s like we all know each other on an intimate level. It almost sometimes works.”
The crowd seemed excited to know about the existence of Steve.
“Wow, so cool that I finally know the name of a bass player,” said audience member Janet Remington. “Up until this point I had assumed they were all nameless. Primus? The Beatles? Red Hot Chili Peppers? No one ever knows the name of the bassist, yet here I am with the knowledge of Steve at my disposal. I am forever thankful that this band took time out of their set to let us know about him. I still won’t be buying their demo though.”
Experts understood the opening band’s reasoning for their bold move.
“Openers have to do everything in their power to get a crowd to care about them,” said scene veteran Lou Sastch. “It’s like the second you name an animal, the harder it is to kill it for food. Now that we all know about Steve, it would be emotionally traumatic to murder him for sustenance mid-set, he’s a fully realized human now. The same can’t be said about other more anonymous opening bands, however.”
At press time, Fineberg thought it was also important that their bass player was single and available for anyone who was interested.