ATLANTA — Local man Joshua Kennedy recently expressed frustration that his employer instituted a new zero-tolerance policy against workplace harassment just days before hiring somebody deep into ska, according to nearby sources who shared his resentment.
“Just my luck! This place finally got with the times and created a new company-wide no-bullying policy but then they went out and hired a fucking rude boy who I’ve confirmed has more than one fedora,” stated Kennedy. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not cool to harass anyone for things like race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, any of that stuff. But ska? I mean, come on. This Bret guy showed up to his first day on rollerblades wearing an Aquabats T-shirt, and we’re not supposed to say anything? That’s just cruel.”
Hiring Manager Stella Von Engeman explained that she wasn’t aware of the new hire’s musical preferences.
“I honestly had no clue Bret was into such lame shit,” said Von Engeman. “Other than him wearing checkered suspenders to the interview and that his backpack was full of cheese sticks, there were no other warning signs. He probably hid that part of himself because he was worried we might blackball him if we knew the truth, and he’s damn right we would have. Still, the new policy is what it is, so we need to accept the fact that we now have a colleague who wears hideous clothing and who practices his trombone in the employee lounge, and there’s nothing any of us can do except quit.”
HR Expert Gareth DePaul explained how those who like to “pick it up” are forcing businesses to rethink their guidelines.
“While most employees appreciate working in a safe environment, that appreciation does not extend to goofy-ass people killing the office vibe with their tiresome puns and relentlessly positive demeanor,” stated DePaul. “The fact that these people are infiltrating organizations is causing such low morale that many companies are instituting special clauses allowing their staff to unload on these fools. It’s like having a rage room but directed at skankers. Take my word for it, it’s very therapeutic.”
At press time, coworkers were heard groaning as Bret was seen at the vending machine asking anyone if they wanted any “Skattles.”