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Northwest High School Battle of the Bands Will Be to the Death

BURLINGTON, Vt. – In hopes of renewing interest in extracurricular arts programs, Northwest High School has announced that its 34th annual Battle of the Bands will be to the death.

The controversial announcement comes in response to a record low turnout for last year’s event, explained vice principal Joe Ceccarelli.

“The Battle of the Bands was once an exciting and engaging event here at Northwest, but ticket sales dropped so precipitously last year we’d have to cancel the program if we couldn’t draw more spectators,” said Ceccarelli. “Then I had the idea: Kids these days love The Hunger Games … why not have the kids play their songs and then battle it out physically in a no-holds-barred battle royal?

“Last band standing wins the $50 Mike’s Pizza Patio gift certificate,” he continued after explaining the details of his child-on-child murder concert. “Really takes all the subjectivity out of it as well, I think.”

The announcement of the last-band-standing, must-be-a-winner, anything-goes Battle of the Bands was met with hesitation from some of the participating students.

“For me, having to potentially kill or be killed by my classmates isn’t an ideal situation,” explained freshman Randy Nash, saxophone player for ska band Checkered Dreams. “But we worked really hard on these songs. So if I have to rip my solo then rip some throats, I guess that’s what’s going to happen.”

For others, however, the musical death match represents a welcome challenge.

“Hell yeah, brother, we’re gonna smash these nerds,” exclaimed junior James Paige, lead singer of hardcore band Depths of Hell, in between deadlift sets. “I’m gonna kill the set, kill every little ska dweeb I can get my hands on, go in on some Mike’s Pizza P, then be back in the gym on Monday, training for next year.”


Despite the controversial event now centering around school-sanctioned homicide, the event sold out all the seats of the Northwest High Gymnasium in record time and has since been relocated to the school football stadium to accommodate the crowd.

“We thought we might sell a few more tickets, but we never expected this!” said Ceccarelli. “It’s going to be wonderful. The kids will get to express themselves through music like they always have, and then learn an important life lesson — that the odds are not always in your favor.”

The vice principal then laughed maniacally, putting a sharpened scimitar back on a loaded weapons rack.