TRENTON, N.J. — New Jersey hardcore band Bust In canceled their first tour outside of New Jersey after realizing they don’t know how to pump their own gas, sources close to the musicians confirmed.
“This just shows proves what Springsteen has been saying all along, New Jersey is the best fucking state in the world,” said frontman Gord Wilmont. “Forcing the common people to get out of their cozy car on a brisk fall day just to pump their own gas and get all stunk up by the fumes that smother any scent of the pumpkin spice latte you just picked up from Starbucks is inhuman. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m not afraid to pump my own gas, and I actually do know how to do it. I just choose not to, because I don’t want to take part in ripping jobs away from hard-working people who want to pump my gas. It’s unbelievable that so many sheeple blindly follow along and pump their own gas. What a bunch of conformists.”
This isn’t the first time a band from New Jersey has canceled a tour due to vehicular constraints.
“I’d say this happens with about 98% of the bands from Jersey,” said Trent Gazo, a booking agent who works with multiple national acts. “They whine and whine about wanting to build their audience by going on tour, but as soon as they’re forced to reconcile with leaving the state for the first time in their lives, they run and cower in some greasy spoon diner to drown their fears in milkshakes and disco fries. It’s sad, really. But, for many, the decision to live in Jersey was a deliberate one, giving them a baked-in excuse because they’re too lazy to actually go out and tour.”
Some think NJHC bands’ resistance to tour nationally is actually fueling oil companies’ larger agenda.
“From a finance POV, we’re hoping there’s enough kickback from New Jersey Hardcore bands, that this can reach a legislative level,” said Joseph Kim, CEO of Sunoco Corporation, “The more NJHC bands that complain about not knowing how to pump their own gas, the more leverage we have to take this to the supreme court and make it a law that every station across the country needs to be staffed by a worker who may or may not overcharge the driver for gas by squirting out a couples squeezes on the asphalt.”
At press time, Sunoco representatives were too busy talking with lobbyists to squander the New Jersey Department of Education in an effort to get an earlier start on diminishing students’ fluency in pumping their own gas.