UNITED STATES — A secret collection of neglected xylophones hidden in American basements that were purchased after the release of Violent Femmes’ hit “Gone Daddy Gone” has been gathering dust since the early ’80s, sources confirmed.
“The boys and I were all really tired of being successful accountants and lawyers, and we saw this as our chance to become the rockstars we always envisioned,” explained Bryce Haskell, former aspiring xylophonist. “We saw the success of ‘Gone Daddy Gone.’ I mean that shit rocked hard. We just wanted a piece of that, and it seemed like the xylophone was the way to do it. I was ready to be playing gigs at the Viper Room every night and dying tragically at the age of 27 like the greats, but the most action any of our xylophones got was when Violent Femmes cover bands rolled us out for precisely three minutes and three seconds at some kid’s Bar Mitzvah. I haven’t seen my xylophone, or keytar for that matter, since the Reagan administration.”
Carl Del Rosso, manager of a Guitar Center, shared his perspective on the short-lived trend.
“Oh yeah, for like basically a whole year, sad white men were coming in with a spark in their eyes that you knew was going to recede as quickly as their hairline,” said Del Rosso. “We all knew it wouldn’t last, but you can’t ignore demand if you want to make any money, so we sold them by the thousands knowing they were just going to end up as a coat rack. Most people don’t realize that the reason they got to fuck around with a xylophone in elementary school music class was because all their dads were losers who didn’t want to learn guitar and thought rock xylophone was going to be an era instead of a very brief moment. Those xylophones that made it into schools were the lucky ones.”
Trinity Speshock, a renowned music sociologist, delved further into the impact of instrument trends.
“You would think based on what happened with the great American xylophone craze of 1983 that music trends are hard to predict, like the stock market. But really it’s just that sad dads have been historically awful at figuring out what’s going to be cool,” said Speshock. “You know how many dusty sitars are about to be inherited all because the Rolling Stones made them sound rock and roll? I don’t even want to talk about the poor women with hearing loss because their husbands bought bagpipes thinking they would be the next Angus Young. They don’t even know he’s not the one who played them on the track because their weeklong obsessions involve absolutely no research.”
At press time, research has already begun analyzing a small group of men who purchased parrots after hearing about death metal band Hatebeak and whether the birds are currently sitting dusty in the backs of their closets.
