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Touring Band Unboxing New Merch Already Out of Mediums

VANCOUVER — After opening a much-awaited shipment brimming with brand-new t-shirts, the folk-punk quintet the Barn Stomp Boys found they had somehow already exhausted their supply of medium-sized shirts.

The Canadian band, preparing for a three-week tour, blamed a series of unnamed “label dicks” and “screen-printing fuckheads” for what some members said was “obviously a mistake.”

“Every single medium-sized shirt in the box had a sticky note with the name of the person it was promised to on it,” said upright bassist Evan Fisher. “There were, like, 100 in there altogether, and I barely recognized a single name!”

Todd Ericsson, guitarist/vocalist of the Barn Stomp Boys, was equally perplexed about the absence of the most sought-after t-shirt size, but offered several possible explanations. “Y’know, I did promise a few people free shirts,” he said, trying to fit a washboard into his duffel bag. “Roger got one, because he recorded our LP. And his uncle, too, because we used his trailer without technically asking.”

Slowly but surely, sources close to the band pieced together the whereabouts of the remaining 98 medium t-shirts.

“Well, three of [the Barn Stomp Boys] have significant others,” said girlfriend Andrea Lopez. “Plus, they did a split 7” with some band from Edmonton that had, like, nine dudes in it.”


Lopez, who noted the shirt featuring “a sick-as-hell drawing of a naked cowgirl riding a bison” became a highly desirable commodity once the design debuted on Instagram, later identified a few more potential recipients of medium-sized shirts. “Roommates, co-workers… Petey, that 14-year-old from the Marauding Milkmen, who did accordion on that song ‘Louisiana Lovechild,’” she continued. “We had to give him a shirt, and one for his mom, because she gave him a ride to the studio.”

Ultimately, the Barn Stomp Boys came to terms with the depletion after including the number of people that Ericsson owed medium sizes.

“We realized we were fucked when I remembered promising shirts to the entire youth choir at the New Baptist church for recording with us,” Ericsson said. “And even then, we might not have enough. Do you think Father Altgeld would be ok with a 4x?”

Photo by Howie Dewitt.


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