MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report.
“I grew my hair long so I could headbang to Kreator and Demolition Hammer,” Clark said as he ran his hands through his nonsensically luscious locks of auburn curls. “It feels awesome to windmill it back and forth while listening to ‘Epidemic of Violence’ and pounding beers with my friends. I spend all of my money on booze and metal shirts, so I definitely don’t bother with buying shampoo. Having long hair is great, but sometimes it gets in the way, like last night when I puked my fucking guts out after drinking 11 cans of Miller High Life. I actually got some of it in my hair, but I wiped it out with a paper towel and I’m pretty sure I got most of it.”
You were absolutely bewildered at Clark’s hair.
“I just don’t get it,” you complained. “I spend a goddamn fortune on hair care products and salon visits. Not to mention the time I put into it every morning. Yet this dude has the nicest hair I could imagine without bothering to buy so much as a comb. It’s not fair. I doubt he would even notice if he started going bald, so why should he be in possession of something so beautiful if he won’t even appreciate it? Maybe I would get similar results if I stopped caring for my hair and became a total slob like him.”
Hair care expert Stefan Katsaros provided his expertise on the situation.
“There actually is a rationale behind this,” Katsaros provided. “We tend to cause damage to our hair by worrying over it and using excess amounts of product, when in reality it’s better to just become disgusting like the average metalhead. That way we’re letting our oils provide natural upkeep to the hair instead of harming it with excess chemicals. My advice to people looking to add volume and sheen to their hair is to stop showering, shotgun a Budweiser, and listen to some Municipal Waste. I would recommend tying it back if you have to vomit, but honestly, neglecting to do that doesn’t appear to have deleterious effects on any metalhead I’ve ever met.”
At press time, you also became jealous of Clark’s sewing prowess evident in the Morbid Saint patch on his vest.