OXFORD, England — Local metal fan William McClusky miraculously aced his way through the prestigious Oxford University Medical School solely on memorized lyrics by legendary death/grind band Carcass, several headbanging sources report.
“I knew ever since I was a mini metal fan that if I could make it through high school and memorize some lines by the almighty Carcass I could easily be a doctor one day, “McClusky said while sharpening his own personal scalpel. “It was totally easy too, whenever the professor asked a question on surgical instruments, I just said, ‘Retractors, mallets, rugines and benders, chisels, rods’ and watched them be blown away! And honestly, the lyrics to ‘Ruptured in Purulence’ basically had all the answers to my exams right in that one song. It’s like a brutal cheat code.”
Founding member and vocalist/bassist for Carcass Jeff Walker never really knew how authentic many of his lyrics really are.
“Man, when I wrote those lyrics all those years ago, I basically just threw together a bunch of medical mumbo-jumbo and cool-sounding Latin words I made up,” Walker explained. “I never really thought someone could learn legitimate medical terminology and help them pursue a doctorate. I mean, ‘Excoriating Abdominal Emanation?’ What the fuck is that? I don’t really know, but it sounds pretty sick.”
Dean of admissions at Syracuse University Charles Seward gives some examples of students making it through college based on metal lyrics.
“It’s funny, in all my years of interaction with students, I can always spot the metalhead,” Seward explained while ashing his corn cob pipe. “History majors always tend to cruise through the curriculum using Iron Maiden or Running Wild lyrics. Math majors use the weird timing of bands like Cephalic Carnage to help them study. And a lot of times, science majors tend to use the themes of bands like Voivod to help them through biology classes. Metal is much more egghead oriented than most people realize!”
At press time, McClusky was seen going over some Haemorrage lyrics in his head in preparation for an upcoming extra credit assignment.