FREDONIA, N.Y. — Local metalhead Sam Barnhill decided it would probably be a good call to wear his lone Johnny Cash t-shirt to his in-law’s house instead of the typical blasphemous, gory band attire he prefers, greasy-haired sources report.
“I figured it would feel awkward, like I might have to explain why I have so many upside down crosses on my shirt, even though I don’t believe in any form of afterlife,” Barnhill explained. “So I decided to just go with good ol’ neutral Johnny Cash giving the fingerr. He sings about murder and death constantly, and for some reason, old people love it when he does. If I had worn my Macabre t-shirt, I’d come off as a serial killer-obsessed madman in front of my wife’s family, and honestly I’m not in great standing with them to begin with. But it’s all good, Johnny Cash is basically Cannibal Corpse without the blast beats anyways. I can survive one night of this.”
Barnhill’s father-in-law, Richard Burle, weighed in on Barnhill’s choice to wear a shirt featuring the Man in Black.
“My daughter has brought home some real winners over the years, but this guy she married is a bonafide, try-hard poser,” Burle said. “I saw him show up with a Cash shirt and I immediately grilled him to name three songs. Of course he says ‘Ring of Fire,’ ‘Walk the Line’ and ‘Folsom Prison Blues,’ the most famous songs he ever did. He probably doesn’t even know ‘Delia’s Gone’ was originally done on his Sound of Johnny Cash record in 1962 then re-recorded acoustically with Def Jam in ‘94, but that’s my loser son-in-law for you. Unbelievable.”
Heavy metal scene veteran Martin Kowalski gave some advice for those who may find themselves in a similar position.
“Maybe just go with a shirt that has a Frankenstein on it or something, or something that says ‘Fender’ or ‘Gibson,’” Kowalski said. “You know, it’s still horror, or tangentially just related to music, but also a 60-something-year-old Vietnam Vet can recognize it, and hopefully not judge too much. That’s much less risky than wearing a shirt that says ‘I Cum Blood’ on the back of it and having to apologize the moment you walk in the door.”
At press time, Burle was berating his daughter’s husband for not knowing who Peter La Farge is.