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Aging Metal Singer Sadly Enters “Dye My Soul Patch Jet Black” Period of Life

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Marcus Ulrich, the lead singer of local thrash metal band Christknuckle, was reportedly spotted at Walgreens asking employees which black hair dye brand worked best on small patches of facial hair, security cam footage confirmed.

“Nobody bats an eye any time Scott Ian dyes his beard black, nobody tells Nikki Sixx that his goatee looks like Rudy Giuliani’s sweaty sideburns threw up on it. What is so strange about tweaking your look when a crowd begs for you to be up on stage?” said Ulrich while gently running a comb through the small patch of hair below his lip. “I simply had to get a chain wallet because it just went the best with my new jeans, you know the ones with huge crosses on the pockets and ripped knees. Seriously though, you should’ve seen me fifteen years ago, I was a metal god. And I’m still that same guy, except I tan now.”

A regular at the venue the Bug Jar, Amy Jones, remembered an awkward run-in with Ulrich.

“It was like there was a void beneath his lower lip, it was the most unnatural-looking patch of hair I’ve ever seen. Someone also asked to look at his Hamms Beer hat and he got really pissed and yelled PISS OFF! I’m pretty sure he was balding underneath it, though the side hair reached far past his shoulders. He also kept saying shit about how the new generation sucks and how our generation remembers how some dive bar I never heard of used to be,” said Jones. “He was definitely like twenty years older than me, but kept shooting devil horns with his hands and sticking out his tongue every time I asked how old he was.”

Music Sociologist Lee Boswell described some other curious behaviors of metal singers passing the age of 50.

“Generally we see most people fade from social media as they age, but 50 is where TikTok begins for them. There is a lot of pointing at the camera and hand gestures, which is all the more fascinating because it’s done with so many rings,” Boswell chuckled, “Sometimes it’s impossible to tell whether they are wearing more rings or belts, what a curious bunch!”

Recently, an anonymous Walgreens employee also leaked that Ulrich has inquired which Dr Scholl’s inserts work best in steel buckled boots and if baby powder works for adult men in leather pants.