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Man Displays Heroic Levels of Mental Fortitude by Enjoying Dropkick Murphys Completely Sober

LOWELL, Mass. — Sober punk Michael McDuff impressed music fans and mental health professionals alike with his ability to listen to Celtic punk band Dropkick Murphys without the use of alcohol, several kilted sources report.

“I was sitting on the bus on my way to my weekly AA meeting, and the Dropkick Murphys song ‘Kiss Me, I’m Shitfaced’ popped up on my Spotify. I only used to listen to them when I was 12 beers deep, so I decided to give it a shot,” McDuff explained, adding that it was a bit of a struggle at first. “After that ended, ‘Warriors Code’ came on and I thought to myself, ‘Hey, I think I can do this!’ Now all these neuroscientists, Tibetan Monks, and trainers of famous athletes have been hitting me up, begging to know my secret. Really, all you have to do is trick your brain to tune out the bagpipes. It’s easier than it sounds.”

Bassist and singer of Dropkick Murphys Ken Casey reminded fans that this is not how his band is intended to be consumed.

“What this guy’s doing is basically playing chicken with his sanity,” Casey explained. “We make it very clear that our music isn’t intended to be listened to for extended periods of time while sober. In fact, every record since ‘Sing Loud, Sing Proud’ has had a clear ‘WARNING: NOT TO BE ENJOYED WITHOUT BEING FULLY-COCKED’ sticker on the cover. It’s been required by law since that one guy went postal after hearing ‘Wild Rover’ with no booze in his system.”

Celtic punk legend Mic “Micky” McDougle revealed other stories of brave souls who have tried to listen to the genre sober.

“Some of the biggest music-related hazards involve the Celtic punk genre and listening with a dangerously low blood-alcohol level,” McDougle said while adjusting his scaly cap and asking how many Guinnesses he’s allowed to order at once for himself at a local pub. “Once there was this poor sap who accidentally listened to the Pogues’ ‘Fairytale of New York’ in the middle of July, with no alcohol in him, and ended up in a coma for 8 months. You always want to be hammered while listening to this genre, just to be safe.”

At press time, McDuff further tested his mental strength by making it through an entire Tool album without the help of drugs or psychedelics.