EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Prolific bassist and Primus frontman Les Claypool sent a follow-up email to metal band Metallica regarding his 1986 audition for them, confirmed sources who needed answers.
“I just wanted to reach out and thank the band for the opportunity to audition for the position of bass guitarist,” said Claypool. “Our meeting was very informative, and I believe that I would be an excellent addition because they said they were looking for ‘rockstars’ so I clearly fit that bill. I have years of experience in both touring and recording as well as writing lyrics about fishermen, tweakers, and mud. I’ve even composed music that was used in both ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater’ and the theme song for the show ‘South Park.’ I very much appreciate their consideration for this opening, and hope they don’t hesitate to reach out if they have questions. References are also available upon request.”
Primus guitarist Larry LaLonde was not happy to hear about the activity of his longtime bandmate.
“It’s actually pretty irritating to find out the guy I’ve been playing with for the past 35 years has been using us as leverage to gain himself a more lucrative position,” LaLonde complained while adjusting the effects on his Keeley Bubble Tron effects pedal. “This band has been my full-time job since I was in my 20s, and you don’t see me using it as a stopgap like he apparently is. If I would’ve known this back in 1989, I would’ve foregone joining it entirely and just gone back to my old band Possessed. At least they never had song titles like ‘Mary the Ice Cube’ and ‘Hamburger Train.’”
Metallica singer and rhythm guitarist James Hetfield was both confused and concerned for Claypool.
“I don’t understand what Les thinks we’ve been up to this past 38 years,” Hetfield wondered. “I mean, we’re currently on our second bassist since he auditioned shortly after Cliff Burton passed. Since then, we’ve become the most recognizable metal band in the world and won 10 Grammys. In retrospect, we probably should have reached out to let him know he didn’t get the job, but I’ve always assumed ghosting him was more professional”
At press time, Claypool was frantically trying to recall the email he sent so he could remove Dave Mustaine from the distribution list, having suddenly remembered he had been kicked out of the band in 1983.