LAS VEGAS — Notable classic rock band and purveyor of merchandise KISS released a signature brand of coffee whose taste is closely aligned with their mundane musical output, bored and unimpressed sources report.
“Our new line of ‘I Was Made for Lovin’ Brew’ signature coffee has a taste that will affect you the exact same way our music does,” KISS frontman Gene Simmons said while relaxing in his unspeakably lavish Las Vegas mansion. “It’s a standard Colombian brew along the lines of something like Maxwell House or Folgers, that’s best enjoyed black and served at room temperature, preferably while listening to one of our more featureless songs like ‘Lick It Up’ or ‘Rock and Roll All Nite.’ It’s even low in caffeine to preclude the possibility of the consumer receiving even a superficial rush of adrenaline upon drinking it. Let’s rock!”
KISS superfan Mitch Smith reacted to his favorite band’s newest item.
“I drank a couple cups while listening to ‘Crazy Nights’ this morning,” Smith offered. “It was like drinking lukewarm water with the barest hint of coffee flavor, which is basically the beverage equivalent of the music I was listening to. I didn’t even feel energized after drinking it, and actually fell asleep at my kitchen table. It was great! The price tag was a little steep at $30 for a 12-ounce bag, but it was totally worth it if you ask me. I’ve already paid exorbitant amounts of money for KISS air guitar strings and KISS condoms, which I’ve never used, so I’m glad that I’m able to get some utility out of one of the KISS-themed items that I own.”
Coffee distributor Jen Styger weighed in on the situation.
“This is without a doubt the most dull coffee I’ve ever tried, so I’m shocked at how well it’s selling,” Styger commented. “I guess you’ve got to hand it to KISS that they know what their fans want. People have been eating up their particular brand of sleep-inducing rock for over five decades now, so I suppose I shouldn’t be so surprised that they’re also interested in such lackluster coffee. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m complaining. It’s up to me to move all these units, and they’re making my job easy.”
At press time, Metallica announced the release of a signature brand of coffee that tastes incredible in the first four sips, then awful for the remainder of the cup.