SAG HARBOR, NY — Justin Timberlake announced his next album will be about how the popular alcoholic beverage Long Island Iced Tea is a lying whore in response to is DUI arrest earlier this week, sources confirmed.
“Long Island Iced Tea is not ‘Everything I Thought It Was.’ Did you get that? That’s the album title, and it’s going to revolutionize the music industry and really change your perception of this ‘innocent’ little drink,” Timberlake said while repeatedly refreshing his email for notes from his publicist and from his lawyer. “I thought it was just regular iced tea. I mean, little Miss Americana. I should have known she’d be a deceptive bitch, and if she gives a statement, ignore it. None of this DUI shit is my fault. I should have never left *NSYNC.”
The Long Island Iced Tea provided her side of the story.
“Honestly, Timberlake is lucky that I can give him relevancy. Who remembers any music he’s released since ‘20/20’ in 2013 besides that stupid fucking song from ‘Trolls.’ Not my fault he couldn’t stop the feeling. He’s a piece of shit and he shouldn’t be forgiven for defaming me,” said Miss Tea, who was then promptly slaughtered by the media for ruining his reputation and placed into a conservatorship which was removed only after a Hulu documentary probing into her psyche.
Timberlake’s manager, who wished to remain unnamed, reflected on previous controversies.
“I mean, it used to be so easy. Who cares that he ruined Britney and Janet’s careers? Listen to that falsetto, and the man can move,” said the long-time talent manager. “That should honestly acquit him of everything, including this DUI. Let’s go back to the days when musicians got away with small crimes like this. We can’t crucify the guy for driving drunk on Long Island, hell, 99% of people on Long Island are drving drunk as we speak. This is Mr. SexyBack we’re talking about, and we need to cut him a break.”
At press time, Timberlake was found cornering the Long Island Iced Tea attempting to force her to remake a photo of them wearing Canadian tuxedos while telling her that the AAVE he used in the early 2000s was misinterpreted, and that the abortion was just a light suggestion.