People say the darndest things. They call my drinking habits “concerning” and say my behavior is “out of control.” But if the amount I drink is really as excessive as they claim, why did that bottle of Wild Turkey I just downed in record time barely get me tipsy?
I’m just fortunate enough to have a body with a naturally greater thirst than the average Joe. The fact that this thirst is reserved for gifts from God, like Kentucky bourbon, is simply a fact of life. Some people need to drink two to three liters of water a day to stay hydrated. Well, it’s the same for me, except I also need mine distilled from a fermented mash of grain and yeast, then aged in charred oak barrels for at least two years, otherwise my body starts shaking from dehydration.
If I listened to my so-called friends and supposed loving family members, who insist I have a serious problem, I’d be in a deep depression, humiliated by the thought that something might be wrong with me. Luckily, I don’t bend to peer pressure easily and prefer to do my own research. What I’ve concluded is that my alcohol intake is exactly where it needs to be, and those claiming to “have my best interests at heart” are just a bunch of bitches trying to tear a good—nay, great—man down.
Jealousy is a dangerous thing. People who hate their own lives often have nothing better to do than to find the life of the party and take shots at them. Is it my fault that I’m always the funniest person in the room whenever I’m drinking, and that I become increasingly hilarious with each subsequent drink, regardless of how many people leave the room with disgusted looks on their faces? That’s called envy, and my boy Jesus Christ of Nazareth, would not approve. I think he said it was one of those little commandments or some shit.
I wish people would just listen to me when I tell them my vices are nothing to worry about. If they were, would I be able to be on my third bottle while weaving in and out of traffic on this sick electric scooter I found abandoned inside my neighbor’s garage? I rest my case.